Many people seem to approach their40th birthday with trepidation, almost as if the world is beginning to end. I thought I might be the same, overwhelmed by how old I was getting and really feeling like it was all down hill from here. I still have a few months before my 40th next year, but I am not dreading it at all.
I have come to a point in my life where I am really happy with who I am. That's not to say that I have "made it" or have it all figured out. I have a real sense of peace about who I am and whose I am. There is a song that I have adopted as some sort of "anthem" for my 40th year. It expresses exactly how I feel in life right now. It is written by Kendall Payne (one of my favourite artists at the moment). She begins the song with,
"I’ve got a new way of living now little less of a lot
A little more of nothing
Thought you might’ve seen the change in me
Little quicker to listen little slower to speak
I was wrong when I said I was strong I am weak and I need
All that you have to give
I cannot keep the voices quiet inside
Hear them sing, hear the scream, at least I know I’m alive"
So true! A little less of a lot and a little more of nothing is certainly the way I am trying to live now. This doesn't mean I am not busy and life isn't full, but somehow the things that control my life are far less. I know for myself that I have spent many of my years so far thinking I was invincible and really didn't need anyone else. Acknowledging my weaknesses and my woundedness has been an important part of becoming myself. The song then goes on,
"Coz I am meeting myself and I am liking what I see
I am not afraid anymore Not afraid to be bored
Not afraid to be me"
The day I realized how exhausting it was trying to be someone else and how freeing it was just to be me was a good one. The song is called "Not Afraid to be Me" and it certainly describes how I feel on the brink of turning 40. So I don't approach my next birthday with fear of what will happen next, but with the excitement that I get to live another good portion of my life content with who I am.