I have always admired people who seem to have a clear sense of call or vision for their life. Everything in their life seems to point towards the goal. They live with purpose, drive and a sense of satisfaction. I often wonder if the vision before them is as clear as it appears from the outside. I know that this is certainly not the case for me.
I seem to live my life trying to find the right glasses to get my life in focus. Some of you will know that my life after school began in secondary teaching. I justified my missing out on other university options as a sign from God that I was meant to be a teacher. I loved teaching, but after a while the vision became blurry and I knew it was time to search for new lenses to bring some clarity. I began studying theology.
The fog cleared and once again there was a clear way ahead; teaching Faith and Values. But no, a few years later (a long story) I was hit with a strong sense of clarity to explore ordained ministry. I thought I had found that sense of purpose that I had always admired in others. I had found the lens that gave me focus and vision. Hadn't I?
Maybe I have a restless soul. Maybe I'm just a searcher, a seeker. But it seems to me that this process of discernment and call is never ending. Whenever I feel I have made it, I have a clear vision, something changes and it all becomes a blur once more. The scenery is everchanging, perhaps becoming deeper. As it is with our own vision, a change in depth causes our eyes to refocus.
There have already been a few significant, refocusing moments since I entered into ministry. Each has brought with it some chaos, some liberation and some form of transformation in my life. And so, I find myself once again attempting to refocus, find some clarity and sharpen my vision for what is ahead. Yes, there is part of me that still wishes for more certainty and security. However, I would give all that up for the depth and the refining that comes with continual discernment. So here we go again.