I have read to beware the angry Gemini. They may go silent, but they are secretly plotting to kill you. Thankfully, for those around me, I try to live a life of non-violence. I can, however, relate to the silence. I would describe it a different way - speechlessness. Over the last few weeks I have found much to be angry about. There are injustices and atrocities happening that I find difficult to comprehend.
I watch some of my friends reacting on social media. Some are able to vent their frustration very eloquently. They find the right words and rally support from others. Others jump into action, joining protests, writing letters and signing petitions. And still others use their wicked sense of humour to deal with what is not funny at all. It takes great effort for me to do any of these things. Anger, for me, brings with it a state of paralysis. Everything seems heavier and more cumbersome.
I recall, as a teenager, struggling with my expression of anger and initiating an 'Angry Book', some sort of journal especially set aside for my times of rage. I found it a few years ago now, had a laugh, and realised there were very few pages used. In the same way, over the last few weeks, I have not been able to find the words to write this blog. Instead of taking me to some outward place of physical or mental release, setting me screaming, kicking or punching, anger sends me inward and into shut down.
Thank goodness we are all different. If everyone reacted like me, nothing would be done in this world. I realise that my speechlessness is not always helpful, but often I come out of my anger with new insights, new confidence or new awareness. I am not going to explain it away by pinning it on the fact that I was born under the Gemini sign (although this may contribute). Having more awareness of my own needs when I get angry has been very valuable. Knowing when to protect myself, when to rest and when to get up and fight has been, and still is, a huge learning curve.
I no longer need to give myself permission to be angry, but I do need to allow myself to express it in ways that are true to who I am.