I am not sure if someone told me this, or as a youngster I made it up as a point of comfort, but whenever I looked at a crescent moon I imagined those I loved who had died resting in it's cradle. It was a place far away, but at times seemingly so close. In many ways it was my first experience of the veil between this earth and what lies beyond being very thin.
Recently, I was listening again to one of my favourite singer/songwriters, Kendall Payne. She is not a favourite for her musicality or her incredible success or fame, but more for how her lyrics affect me. As I listen to some of her songs, I wonder if she has secretly been watching aspects of my life for the last few decades. The way she uses words and imagery somehow connect with me at a deeper level.
In the car, on my way to Perth last week, I listened once again to her album "Grown". I don't listen to this one as often as her others and so noticed a song that I have heard so many times, but not really listened to. It is titled "The Moon". Here are the lyrics.
The moon's worn thin
Succumbed to the pressure
Her silver dress
Hangs in the sky like a rag
Her coat, her cloak
Her cover of darkness
It fails to hide the tears that she's cried
Oh she cries
But she still shines
Though the night falls around her
And by her light
I find my way
When I fear the path laid before me
I look to the light of her face
And thank her for being so brave
The moon remains
In fullness or frailty
A faithful climb
And I stand amazed at the way
Now I have no way of knowing what was happening for Kendall when she wrote this song, but somehow the words spoke right into my life. As a child, when I looked at the moon it held my grief and my uncertainties with a kind of gentleness, yet fragility, that seemed real. I remember many car rides home at night where I would stare out the window soaking in the comfort of the crescent moon. This image still has meaning, but as an adult I know I need to find that place within now. Perhaps, it was always within.
As I emerge from a time in my life that has felt like a time of darkness and grief in many ways, I can relate to this image of the moon being a holding place within me. It is a place that shines despite the darkness. It is a brave space in its fullness and frailty. It is a place I can return to time and again to find my strength and find my way. It is a place that reflect the light that is constant and unending. So perhaps, when I look up at the moon now, it won't seem so far away, but will be as close as the breath within me.
One of my skills in life, which is now obsolete, is the art of creating a mixtape. As a teenager, I created many such cassette tapes. Cathie's Hits One through to Fifteen, the Love Songs special and the Movie Classics are still hidden away in a drawer somewhere. My boyfriends during this period of my life also had the rare privilege of being gifted a mixtape with all the soppiest songs of the day expressing my undying love for them.
For those a little too young to understand the process of creating such a gem as Cathie's Hits 11 (I recall this being one of my favourites) let me explain. Before there was such a thing as iTunes or Spotify, we had to buy our music on cassette or listen to the Top 20 on the radio with finger poised on the record button. This required a high level of skill in order to avoid the DJ's intro or the beginning of the next song. After managing to capture the favourite tunes, you would then spend hours fast-fowarding and recording the tracks to a mixtape, creating your very own compilation.
I spent five hours in the car today, driving to retreat. As I drove, I flicked between my favourite songs on my phone and had an awesome sing-a-long. I was reflecting on what I would put on my mixtape today. It would have a good dose of Carole King, Missy Higgins and Kendall Payne. Of course, there would have to be Over the Rainbow and a couple of tunes from the musical Wicked.
As I listened and sang along, it occurred to me that each song had its own story for me. Some reminded me of certain people, while others described perfectly certain situations in life. Music holds so much power; the power to evoke tears, motivate us to new ways of being and bring clarity to the mess of life. My mixtape today would be a soundtrack to my life, a journey of ups and downs, joys and sorrows. I think I might create this 'mixtape'. Fortunately, with today's technology, it won't take me hours of pressing buttons. I will create a playlist titled 'Soundtrack of Life' and see how it changes over the months and years ahead - just for fun!!
Many people seem to approach their40th birthday with trepidation, almost as if the world is beginning to end. I thought I might be the same, overwhelmed by how old I was getting and really feeling like it was all down hill from here. I still have a few months before my 40th next year, but I am not dreading it at all.
I have come to a point in my life where I am really happy with who I am. That's not to say that I have "made it" or have it all figured out. I have a real sense of peace about who I am and whose I am. There is a song that I have adopted as some sort of "anthem" for my 40th year. It expresses exactly how I feel in life right now. It is written by Kendall Payne (one of my favourite artists at the moment). She begins the song with,
"I’ve got a new way of living now little less of a lot
A little more of nothing
Thought you might’ve seen the change in me
Little quicker to listen little slower to speak
I was wrong when I said I was strong I am weak and I need
All that you have to give
I cannot keep the voices quiet inside
Hear them sing, hear the scream, at least I know I’m alive"
So true! A little less of a lot and a little more of nothing is certainly the way I am trying to live now. This doesn't mean I am not busy and life isn't full, but somehow the things that control my life are far less. I know for myself that I have spent many of my years so far thinking I was invincible and really didn't need anyone else. Acknowledging my weaknesses and my woundedness has been an important part of becoming myself. The song then goes on,
"Coz I am meeting myself and I am liking what I see
I am not afraid anymore Not afraid to be bored
Not afraid to be me"
The day I realized how exhausting it was trying to be someone else and how freeing it was just to be me was a good one. The song is called "Not Afraid to be Me" and it certainly describes how I feel on the brink of turning 40. So I don't approach my next birthday with fear of what will happen next, but with the excitement that I get to live another good portion of my life content with who I am.
The moon's worn thin
