This Rocky Outcrop

Yesterday, I had the privilege of meeting for the first time with a person who I will mentor through a specific time of discernment. The time was spent hearing hopes and dreams and sharing stories of the journey thus far. I always get a little nervous when I am asked to take on this sort of role with people, as my journey has often been filled with a great deal of uncertainty. I especially feel inadequate when people are discerning a call to work for the church, as my experience has felt like a constant battle.

I told the person, as we sat having our cuppas, that I would not attempt to paint my path to ordination or the journey since with rose coloured hues. In sharing my more recent struggles in ministry, however, I was able to see that I have come to another landmark along the way. You know those points along a hike where you stop, take in the scenery and refresh yourself before embarking on the next chapter. 

The last couple of years have been challenging. I have chosen particular paths that have kept me in ministry and the church. These have not been the easy options. Far from it, it would have been easier at times to walk away. On the positive side, I feel I have chosen the path of integrity, freedom and hope. On the other hand, it is also the path of loneliness, challenge and uncertainty. 

My battle with the church is not unique. My wondering about the future of the church, it's lethargy in bringing about change, and the vocal Christian groups who speak with judgment 'on my behalf' all leave me feeling a dull sense of despair. The questions that have run around my mind are about being real in ministry, preaching with integrity and what it means to be a Christian in today's world. These questions all come from the heart, but there are another bunch of questions that runs alongside from the mind. How do I do this without upsetting the people in my congregation? What if people leave and we don't have enough money? What if? What if? Should I just stick with the status quo? Do I have the energy to try and be different? These are the questions that, implicitly, many church meetings have taught me to ask. 

So, what has brought me to this landmark? I find myself standing on this granite outcrop, relieved to be here on solid ground for a while. I have no idea what lies ahead, how the journey will pan out. But, for now, I know I have the strength to keep going. Why? Because I have met some fellow travellers who have encouraged me; speakers at festivals, colleagues willing to chat on Skype, a supervisor who gives me bread for the next leg, friends who are just there and congregation members who let me know they are still behind me. I cannot continue in my ministry in the church if it is not with integrity. I cannot go on remaining silent about things that are important to me. I cannot keep on pretending that I can make everyone happy. 

As my supervisor said to me recently, 'Have you read the stories about Jesus? Sitting on the fence is not following Jesus. And following Jesus is not about keeping friends.' I have been very slow to learn this. This week, my supervisor of eight and a half years let me know that our supervisory relationship would need to end due to health problems. I want to thank him for getting me to this rocky outcrop in the middle of this beautiful, rugged land. The journey continues!

Sticking with the church

A little over a week ago, I was saddened to hear the news of the death of Marcus Borg. Since then I have read many articles and blogs praising him for his scholarship and his ability to communicate to those who had grown disenchanted with the traditional message portrayed by the church. I first became aware of Borg's writings early in my ministry training. It was like a breath of fresh air. I had read Spong and some other progressive theologians who were either very wordy and intellectual or tended to pull the rug of faith out from under you. Borg's approach was more accessible and gentle. In telling his own story, I could believe that there was a way through the muddy mire of theological confusion. It gave me hope. 

I have read many reflections that have described how Marcus Borg enabled them to remain a Christian. For me it was more that he helped me to stick with the church. There have been many times where I become tired of the church, it's politics and dogma. I have often wondered if it easier to be a genuine Christian outside the church. And then I read people like Borg who have been on this same journey, have reimagined what it means to be a follower of Jesus and have paved a way for others. 

I wrote a reflection only last week that expressed my frustration and longings. I titled it Enough.

Enough of words and trying to explain

I long to sit by the sea

Enough of prayers that righteously ramble

The silence is drawing me in

Enough of getting it right for all to see

Content in my skin I will be

Enough of judgment, labels and dogma

I rest in deep truth from within

Enough of perfection

Enough of survival

Enough of victory over sin

More stillness

More wonder, more awe, more life

More loving and breathing and whim

Enough of certainty, clubs and exclusion

Enough of pedestals, politics, platitudes

Enough of niceness, numbness, nameless

Enough of flat and fake and fickle

Take me to a place where the sun's rays warm my heart

Let the veil be thin

Let me soak in the mystery

And just be.... Enough.

We complicate things so much in the church. We forget that the vision of Jesus was about inclusion, loving people and being in relationship with God. Marcus Borg helped me to see that being a Christian is possible in the church. Sounds crazy - I know. And so now as I prepare to go back into ministry after three weeks break, I need to hear Marcus Borg fresh again. I need to strip away the tangles that the church puts around God and the person of Jesus and be excited again by the simplicity of what Jesus preached. Thank you Marcus Borg.